Own Worst Enemy…

Is anyone able to tell me why someone can be their own worst hater? I understand that there are a lot of factors to consider when checking what makes a person hate themselves or bring themselves down so much. Thinking about the person I could be if I were not this way makes me extremely upset with myself. Do not get me wrong, I am conscious that these barriers are of my own doing and that only I have the power to bring them down. The thought of doing so seems intimidating and I psych myself out.

Let me put it this way, I WANT to do certain things or make certain changes in my life but there is that internal monologue that tells me “Yeah, what’s the point?” It brings down any motivation to pick up that book I have been meaning to read or the sketchbook I have neglected for months. Those simple hobbies that would bring me joy as a pastime seem insignificant and not worth my time anymore. That same voice is what keeps me from wanting to be my best self. There has to be a word to describe this type of feeling I’m sure but where does one start on a path to rewire the way they process and think?

I am open to any options really, self-help books, more exercise, meditation (although is it really possible to clear one’s head from thoughts?) There has to be some path to a better way of life that can be done of my own doing. The more I look into my options, I will document on here what I try. I’m not sure if this would be an ideal space to write out the things that go on through my head but what the hell right? It all depends on who would spend the time to read the thoughts of an average 23-year-old who lives in Delaware. I guess this would be a good place to start since one of those hobbies I haven’t done much of is write. This can be a whole two birds one stone type deal where I help myself by doing at least one of the things I used to do.

I will have to find a way to distinguish what I write on here though, those previous entries were of a book that has been in the making for years and hasn’t been worked on. This very well may turn into a personal blog-type page although I have never run a blog so it will be a learning process. I will post a little bit of what pops into my mind throughout the day and if I get a sliver of motivation or inspiration to write then I will post that too.

Let’s see how this goes.

I am here to explore.